Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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