I accidentally burped into my bong.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
