I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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