I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
The air was thick with penises
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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