Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
