Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
