I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
