I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize