Someone shit on the floor
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
