Dude my mom stole all your condoms
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
