If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
