Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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