look no pants
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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