It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
