she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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