i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
