drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
