Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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