they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize