My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
It's never too late to be topless.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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