Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
