remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
