I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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