Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Randomize