You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Randomize
