What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
