It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
