The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize