wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Just invented taco cereal.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
