No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
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