I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Houston, we have a squirter
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
