I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
