I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
