i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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