my mouth tastes like poor choices
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
