dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize