note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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