People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Randomize
