I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
