I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
