I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
