she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
