ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
