I wanna passion pit in your ass
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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