The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
you win again, gameday.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
