Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
