and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
