bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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