My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
