I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Randomize
