the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
