i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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