Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
