A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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