i wish my penis had a tongue
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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