dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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