Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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