you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
