Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Randomize
