i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
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