remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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