my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
