i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
