Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
