just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
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