I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
