Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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