I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
