No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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