He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Randomize
