at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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